The purpose of this blog is to provide a holding, attuned, and provocative space for the mysteries of your heart to unfold. All of you is welcome here, in all of your glory - the painful, the joyous, the heartbroken, and the weary. The invitation is to see your entire life as an expression of high-voltage, creative guidance, and for you to offer yourself to the endless and infinite dimension of love that is emerging within and around you right now.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
The alchemy of healthy intimate relationship
What is the best way to prepare for a healthy, deeply
satisfying intimate relationship? How can you attract the right partner?
Someone who can accompany you on the path, a fellow traveler who is genuinely interested
in exploring relationship as a transformative, modern-day crucible of healing
There are many responses to these sorts of questions:
workshops to attend, ten “secrets” to attract your perfect soul mate, twelve
steps to manifesting your twin flame, tantric practices to learn and master. It
can be important to experiment with any approach you feel drawn to and is
resonant with your longing.
The suggestion I usually make, however, is not nearly as
sexy or compelling, or all that fun or flashy, or even overtly “spiritual”:
learn how to take care of yourself. Start there and you will lay the foundation
for a rich, meaningful, and nourishing relationship with another. For it is the
degree to which you are able to take responsibility for your own core emotional
wounding that you will release your partner(s) from this burden, which is not
theirs to carry.
As long as there is a subtle expectation that your partner’s
role is to enact the archetype of the “good other” that was missing in earlier
developmental times, you will not be able to assume the risk that intimacy
demands, lead with your vulnerability, and harness the incredibly
transformational energy of the relational field.
Allow yourself to become curious about what triggers you,
the feelings you’ll do anything not to feel, and the unique behaviors you
engage in to distract yourself from activating emotional experience. Rather
than urgently spinning to find relief from this material, instead move closer
toward it. Train yourself to enter inside it, touch it, feel it, and come to
know its texture. Provide a holding environment where the feelings can be
illuminated, be worked through, and integrated in loving presence.
To what degree do you believe another person will fill the
void for you, make the emptiness go away, relieve you from feelings and
limiting beliefs you do not want to confront, and protect you from the
unattended ghosts of your unlived life? As spiritually-oriented people, we are
quite sure that we have transcended all this, but please inquire carefully, for
its expressions can be subtle. As long as we are looking to our partners to
fulfill those functions that were not offered to us as young children, it will
be difficult to come into a fulfilling, loving relationship that is not riddled
with the pain of projection.
Your partner is here to help and support you, and make the
journey by your side as a loving, caring fellow traveler of the path. But they
are not here to (re)parent you or take care of your unlived life for you, for this
is your sacred work and it would be unkind of them to attempt to take these
holy tasks from you. All the long-lost allies of abandonment, rejection,
unworthiness, and shame. Rage, jealousy, unmet grief and partly processed
They have all come into the relational field with you, as part of
an extraordinary gathering.
When all is said and done, perhaps there is no secret to
co-creating a fulfilling, supportive, mutually beneficial intimate
relationship, as it is always in the end a movement of the unknown. Healthy
intimacy is not something you will figure out one day by way of some checklist
or magical formula, but something you are asked to live in each moment, in all
its chaotic glory. By learning to take care of yourself, you are creating a foundation
upon which the mysteries of intimacy can come alive within and around you,
providing a crucible like no other for the great work of aliveness that you
have come here to embody.